She loved nice shoes and clothes and was always well turned out. As the minister read my brothers poem, I realized the roses embodied his words and our mother. Pride. Then we held a graveside service later that day at Sealy Cemetery in Sealy, Texas. The Japanese expression shoganai means something like it cant be helped; its a verbal shrug and is often invoked to describe a traditional resignation and acceptance of fate, an attitude in Japanese culture which allowed them to move on with their lives. I also remember my husband sitting by her side talking to her for several minutes. Tweets by @ModernLoss I can see so much of your mom and dad in you and that is superb. Two Pleasers In A Relationship, [NBC News], We Cant Comprehend This Much Sorrow [NY Times], The Familial Language of Black Grief [The Atlantic]. When I launched this column, I promised myself that once a year, on the anniversary of her death, I would devote the column to her memory. I expected the agonizing wait to continue. I believe that if the information is readily available, and consistently reinforced, it's possible to get through to people and to change behavior. My mother certainly got an A ++ in this. That tells me the depths of her distress about her experience. She entered hospice care when I was pregnant with my first daughter and passed away, almost two years later, when I was pregnant with my second daughter. Shed tell me how smart he was and how much he would have loved me, but I couldnt get her to say anything of substance. The disease made the last few years especially painful, but she lived to age 85 and led a full life. She knew my face and my name, and she knew that we had always been close, but I suspected that my grandmother no longer remembered what made us close like the many Saturday night sleepovers from my childhood, when wed go to one of her few pre-approved restaurants. She taught her daughters to dress nicely and I think I can attribute some of my dress sense to my put-together grandmother. In 1915, her mother came to Canada as a picture bride. Search for: Recent Posts. So I go after dementia the way it went after my mother -- relentlessly, clinically, unrepentantly. And there are three things that stand out to me as part of her enduring legacy. When confronted with the question of why, Mom laughed and said: I dont know. 'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+"://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs"); Privacy Policy Terms of Service RSS Feed Contact Us Donate, 2013-2022 Modern LossTM, LLC. Keep being Mommy. I slept well that night for the firsttimesince the hospice nurse had told us the end was near. Beauty wordings and a few random tangents! I was lucky enough to be the only grandchild with whom she had a close relationship. Her usual way of greeting me these past few years has been to look at Harold and say, Well, look at this handsome young man is he one of us? That morning after church, Grandma looked at me and said, You keep preaching the word, young man. Im still not sure if she knew who I was but she knew who Jesus was, and she recognized his Word when she heard it. He remarked at her graveside that how we live now, going forward, is part of her legacy. By Nina Badzin. Thank you. We held the funeral yesterday and I gave the eulogy. When you ask Americans over the age of 60 what health threat they fear the most, overwhelmingly they say Alzheimer's. Nina and Grandma Pauline A friend of my mothers for 40 years, Stuart Platt, delivered my mothers eulogy at her funeral and also spoke at her graveside service. [] I have received several requests for the playlist of funeral songs from my mothers services. However, by the time she was 85, the connection Id always considered so special, essential, and real had truly become formal and foreign. And in her later years, when the more complex aspects of her personality had faded, her joyful faith in Jesus remained. But I didnt ask, and she couldnt really answer anyway. [], [] This Sunday will bemy second Mothers Day since my mother died. While you are, subscribe to our spam-free newsletter. We can reduce our risk to a far greater degree than most Americans realize or act upon. A few days later, her daughters were with her when she passed; I hope she felt their presence, their love and loyalty to her. But if she lost them, then I can only hope that she lost, too, the bitter memories of wartime and the hard years of struggle afterwards. But I know now. Big hugs from afar,xoHelen, Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2014 22:07:04 +0000 To: helenm_moore@hotmail.com. I certainly will. He is writing a memoir on gender and parenting. She also boiled shiitake mushrooms which doesnt smell good to kids and to this day I cant eat shiitake. Thank you so much Pastor Bob. Because I didn't know. What a life she had and what a blessing she was to you and you to her. With tears in her eyes, she said, We are very special to each other, arent we? We talked about the sleepovers, lunches, and other happy times. Eulogy for Ellen, My Mother. I vividly remember my last good visit with you, about a month before you died, when (my brother) Russell and I came to see you the day before Mothers Day. Sure, several people offered to help here and there, helping my parents move houses, or more recently, going with me to visit my mother. To this day, coconut syrup and guava juice means Waikiki Breakfast with Grandma. If you ask my four kids about their memory of Grandma, theyll likely talk about Thanksgiving 2 years ago. That is how we will always remember her. My grandmother spent one winter living on potatoes, taking shelter in a tent. March 22, 2012December 11, 2012. By Nina Badzin When I tell people that Grandma Pauline died last year at the age 96, the response is almost always some permutation of "You were blessed to have her for so long." That is true in the technical sense. I was reading Anne of Green Gables for the first time, and Grandma allowed me to chatter to her nonstop about this landmark book which she hadnt read. It helped me maintain my connection to my mother while she was still alive and also helped me to say goodbye and honor her memory when she passed. A beauty blog full of makeup, reviews & more, Experiencing Toronto through the eyes of a surburbanite. I wish I had known to write down the details of her life while she was still sharing them during those sleepovers and lunches. My mother, who had a way with words, might have said we were multivocal. Thus, I thought her eulogy should be multivocal as well, and I asked each sibling to help me by sharing a favorite memory or two that paid tribute to some of her values e.g., sacrifice, dedication, humility and a sense of humor. She's her old self again, happy and vibrant and sharp as a whip. I spent the rest of that week scanning photos of my beautiful mother and finalizing details for her funeral services. m_gallery_blog_id = "8001122"; I write this column every week, because right now, information is really all we have to protect ourselves against Alzheimer's disease. Most of the other stories fell away to the point where I couldnt remember them either. Grandpa would say: Grandma, no singing at the table. And then it would happen again. And so on this day, as we honor Pat Thunes life and legacy, I find myself thankful for and challenged by her cheerful optimism, her sanctified pride, and her genuine love for Christ. !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)? She showed me much love and kindness. She was an expert in Japanese flower arranging and traveled with a bolt cutter and hatchet which she used to glean good specimens for her arrangements. For some people, we're here to celebrate "Lou." For others, "Mom." By the time my sister Erin and our cousins Christa and Michael came along, she was older and had suffered the loss of my gentle grandfather, Hideo Sugiyama. She had been a resident at our home on Westbourne Road since 2015. We honored my mother, Dixie Benton Stucky (1953-2013), on Saturday, June 29, 2013. Her family was drastically set back by the confiscation of all their property. Did I really need to get attached and then lose my stepmom to colon [], [] Before I had babies, the last diaper I changed was my mothers. A cheerful heart has a continual feast (Proverbs 15:15). [], [] was pregnant with my second daughter and chasing after a toddler when my mom died. By Bob Thune Ill try to post on those later. Everyone told her that it was okay for her to go home but her stubborn little body just kept fighting. My years of worry, tears, and constant attachment to my cell phone, expecting calls from nurses in the middle of the night, were over. Until finally, it is over. I've got some good topics coming up. But as long as Mom could still lift a hand, she would lift it in kindness to someone else.". Cheerfulness. But the truth is that my grandmother had been gone for more than a decade when she took her last breath. But then, in January, my parents called with news that she had contracted pneumonia. When Id ask about my grandfather, Norman, who died in his late 50s in a plane crash on his way to Japan, shed remind me that I was named after him. This hits me close to home as my own grandmother recently passed away after suffering with dementia for a decade or so. Even though she was not physically demonstrative, we shared hugs and held hands when we walked around Honolulu. But the truth is that my grandmother had been gone for more than a decade when she took her last breath. Music played an important role in my journey through my mothers illness. And in her later years, when the more complex aspects of her personality had faded, her joyful faith in Jesus remained. We're so glad you're here. When I was 9 our family took a trip to Hawaii and Grandma came along. If you want to chat, I am here. Do you know youre loved?. She had a fall on the 20th of December that fractured her pelvis and back, and she was in hospital. We are so happy with his improvement, despite his spinal injury. And then I wrote her eulogy. When I wrote Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish about the imminent loss of my mother and her father, I had no idea that my mothers battle with Alzheimers disease would end just 8 days later.. Death after Alzheimers disease. But to me, that was a great picture of who Grandma actually was. As many of you know, for the last ten years or so, Grandma has suffered from dementia and memory loss, such that in her latter days she was a shadow of her former self. I sat on her bed and held her hand. You Might Have the Better Claim But I Have the Bigger Army. We shared a hotel room, and as we both got up early, we walked the beach at Waikiki every morning and then Grandma took me to a cafe for breakfast, a different one every day. Love for Christ. I didnt really take time to grieve, and, to be honest, I thought I had already finished [], [] in Rockport on the Texas coast. Tagged as eulogy, Japanese Canadian internment, What a stunning and moving tribute to your grandmother. Design by Bethany Beams, Some Stars Shine: Happy Birthday, Baby Brother, Music in Memory: Country Gospel Funeral Songs , Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish, Slow Motion: The Alzheimers Grieving Process, Memorial Service Packet Insert Page Dixie Stucky, Knesek Funeral Home Obituary and Guestbook, Where Did My Sweet Grandma Go? I write my mother's eulogy every single week. She cultivated refinement in her surroundings and her person. Vincent OKeefe is a writer and stay-at-home father with a Ph.D. in American literature. Tags: Dementia, Grandparent Loss, It's Complicated Published on January 13, 2015, How Shane Hawkins and the Foo Fighters United Us in Grief, By Lori Tucker-Sullivan in Features, My Loss. Beginners welcome. I had no idea the next time I saw you, you would be unconscious on your deathbed. Your email address will not be published. Now go home and take care of your babies. It was as if my mother had saidbefore I left, Im going home. From what you said, shes more like my grand ma. Such a nice eulogy to a lovely grandmother. I didnt know I would say goodbye to my mother eight days after I wrote Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish. But this is my news, and my eulogy for my Grandma. m_gallery_title = "Dementia cruelly, methodically took my mother\'s life"; Nicknames For Harley Girl, They stayed in business until 1973, when Grandpas health forced his retirement. : A Preschoolers Guide to Losing a Loved One, Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish, My mother found peace after Alzheimers disease, Slow Motion: The Alzheimers Grieving Process, Memorial Service Packet Insert Page Dixie Stucky, Knesek Funeral Home Obituary and Guestbook. Theres no filter. I told my husband I feel like when I hold her hand, Im asking her to stay with me. For some reason, I knew that she would let go when no one was watching her; I felt she wanted it that way. She's gone. But Im fairly sure Grandma Pat would disagree. I just read the eulogy. Read more about Lauren. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); On March 29, 2022, I was invited by Senator John Thune to be the guest chaplain for the U.S. Senate,, In the past week, its suddenly become commonly accepted wisdom that congregational singing is, Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Protect Your Kids: How to Install an Internet Filter, Healthcare: Why Both Parties Are Missing the Point, A Historic Day: What Brexit Tells Us About Culture. I cant say for sure what her memory and consciousness were allowing her to experience, but Id like to think that we made one last connection before she left us. I remember crying as I sat next to her, holding her hand. My grief for her really for myself is making me so tired. Our last conversation was about Japan. It felt inappropriate to mourn Grandma Pauline, while she was still with us at least in the literal sense, but the spirit of her was so far away. I put everything I could into the eulogy and really hoped to convey a sense of her life and character. Grandma was an expert seamstress and sewed clothing for her family. One of which was Margaret Mavis Harpley, 85, who had been suffering with Alzheimers Disease for a number of years. I hope I can be kinda like her when I grow up. The five days leading up to my mothers death were physically and emotionally trying. Cheerfulness. I believe that I enjoyed a tenderness from her that her own daughters perhaps did not get; she was dedicated to protecting them, and her war experiences made her fierce in her protectiveness. Loved reading about how she passed Japanese culture to you. And many of us here today are the fruit of those prayers. Clara Sent from my iPhone. That morning, however, my grandfather regained full consciousness. She doesnt know us, theyd say. My aunt Judy was born in Kamloops, my mother in Revelstoke, and my aunt Esther in Vernon, and the family made its way back to Vancouver in 1950, when the Canadian government allowed Japanese Canadians back to the coast, four years after the end of the war. I will always remember how you prompted me to seek out help when I was grieving, and I would be happy to be there for you too, if that is what you need (now or in the future). Your love for her, your tender descriptions of her, your understanding and compassion for her wartime experiences and your tribute to her character are so beautifully written. After being at the nursing home, watching and waiting, that Tuesday through Thursday, I stayed home all day Friday. Again, a sensory memory of security became the most indelible legacy of a loving parent. One of her lungs had failed and she was no longer conscious. I will continue to write this column every week, because it's important to put this information in front of people, and to keep it in front of them.